Perfectionism- truly my greatest battle and most burdensome enemy. I am so very guilty of needing everything to be perfect, and it is a heavy task. I have a serious problem with overthinking, overanalyzing, and judging a majority of sentences, looks, thoughts, and actions. The last couple weeks, it has been especially prevalent. Whether it be my own or someone else's, I take all words and looks and internalize them. I try to be perfect, and criticism is my biggest fear. As a result, I dissect my every sentence as well as people's sentences to me and somehow, I lead myself to believe something is wrong with me and take negative criticism to heart. I replay conversations in my head constantly, and it ultimately sends my head spinning. I am a perfectionist in the words I speak, the actions I present, the appearance of my handwriting, and the list goes on... I am always so nervous to fail that I walk in tiptoe through life. (Thanks, anxiety...) I still fail. The more I fail, the more down on myself I become and the less likely I am to open up to others around me. Just to make myself more clear, I will give you the perfect example of what is going on in my head on a normal day. I saw my final grades this past week and realized I barely missed the mark for an A- in one of my classes. This was my exact thought, "How could you be so stupid? B+'s do not prove your abilities and you are letting everyone down." I then proceeded to give someone a rude look because of their tone of voice. I was irritable because I got a B+, then I was rude because someone was not treating me how I wanted in that moment. I thought about that rude look over and over. I felt so guilty and it made for a miserable night. I have a tendency to do this every single day of my life. Obviously, there are bigger life examples, but I will spare you the details on those. Let me tell you, perfectionism is not ideal and it is a pathetic goal that I constantly fall short of reaching.
Grace changes everything
I put this as my status a little while ago, because it is the message my loving Father knew I needed both last night as well as today. I try so hard to be perfect, yet it does not work. I am human, broken, and fleshly. To be completely transparent, I was trying so hard to perfect myself and to get everyone to like me that I was blinded to the true mission. Whenever I would hear criticism or of one's distaste for me, my stomach would hurt and I would replay it over and over in my head. I had such a battle with myself in trying to be perfect that I lost focus of what my Jesus was calling me to do. He calls me to be "perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48) This word perfect means whole. Ugh. I still fall short, even to this more tangible definition. Dear readers, please get this. In your own strength and might, you will still fall short of perfection as well. What we are really called to do in this verse is to find our true self and identity in Christ alone. I am a sinner. I am imperfect. I am broken. If it were in my own strength, there would be no hope for me. Here is the most beautiful part of the story. God does not leave us in our rags, sin, and shame. He sent my beloved Savior to take all of your sins and shame, and mine, that we may be perfect (whole). He knew I could never achieve perfection, therefore He sent a sacrifice for me so that I could be found in Him alone.
Grace is shameless
My precious reader, if this is the only part you read, read it in entirety. Although we fall short, and run from God, His grace is persistent. He does not let you from the palm of His hand. My Jesus tenderly calls us back and refuses to shame us for where we have been.
Perfect grace knew that we cannot do it. We are selfish and we want our own way. We think we know best. Often times, you may wonder how you wandered so far from love and grace, but still they are persistent and call us back. We could not do it on our own, therefore grace stepped in to cover us.
I heard the most beautiful imagery of Christ's sacrifice that stuck with me and will be my testimony for my entire life on earth. A preacher once said at a youth camp I attended, "We often view sin as black. It seems unforgettable, dark, and permanent. Youth, sin is not black, it is red. Here is why: Jesus shed His blood on the cross, and it is the most beautiful thing." We all sat a little confused until he held up a sheet of red to a red shirt and a white shirt. We were amazed at what we saw. Both shirts looked the same, they both were covered by the red sheet. Red cancels out red. God does not see our past sins and failures, because they have been blotted out. Grace does not give us a guilt trip and it cannot shame. Grace breaks chains and set free. "Whom the Son sets free is free indeed."
Grace is a lifestyle
Lastly, dear readers, grace needs to be the message your life pours out. Grace covered you so that you could be free to live a life through Christ. Galatians 2:20 states, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." We can now live freely and abundantly. Grace should be the testimony which your life reflects. We are not perfect in our own sense of the word, yet our identity in Him makes us the true definition of perfect. Despite our flaws and mistakes, we are perfect, meaning whole, through the Most High God. Grace carried me from a life of flawed perfectionism to a perfect child of God.